I shouted at the spuds…

I feel better after that last post. And OnlyWantOne via Twitter parked me up. Seems I save my mean-ness for my nearest and dearest. Isnt that nice of me?

I still haven’t done any Tae Bo!!!! I feel like such a failure, pretty sure that goes against the whole point of this blog so am looking into a new exercise which might get me off my bummed out butt.

I don’t know what’s been going on in my head. I keep on losing my mind. I shouted at the mashed potatoes this evening – swore at them. And the lap top power cable. I almost physically assaulted a nice (I’m assuming) young couple for getting off the bus ahead of me and then walking soooo slowly in front of the pram. Oh – turns out I’m still a bit angry about that (clenched jaw, feeling of overwhelming rage)

That was before and after my weekly PND group, Monday Mums. To be fair though its quite a bit better afterwards. A good cry and two hours of guilt/aggression/sadness/frustration purging can do that  :o)

Now to linger on some positives, cos all this negativity is not going to get me anywhere…

• Mr. Goat bought me gorgeous roses on Monday
• E’s cough is better
• Mr. Goat got E (and us!) a GroClock which means we can start training her and, hopefully, look forward to longer lie ins. Watch this space.
• E ate a punnet of strawberries while watching Toy Story this morning which is a welcome deviation from her current diet of cheese sandwiches (we have now watched Toy Story three times TODAY!)
• Found and downloaded Francesca Battistelli album “My Paper Heart” - AMAZING, can highly recommend for the stressed out and done in!
• Called doc to schedule tests for vitamin deficiencies.
• Shaved my legs – trust me, it’s a positive.

Okay, I’m scraping the barrel a bit now but give me a break – its only Tuesday night!

Feeling better so leaving it there, will let you know where I go from here. New exercise or start on another step… I think I’ll sleep on it.

Night night x

How I feel right now…

• I want to cry.
• I’m hot and cant stop clenching my jaw.
• I’m typing really hard.
• I want to throw mug at the radiator, I put it down carefully.
• I don’t want to smile or talk. I do anyway, I am even angrier now.
• I want to scream. I don’t.
• I don’t want to move but I feel like I have the energy of a thousand very angry bulls.
• I am lethargic, I cannot nor will I leave the couch. Dare you to ask me to do something.
• I’m annoyed and don’t want to guess anything!!!!! Stop talking to me!
• I want to bang my head against something. Lap top comes to mind as it is close. Do not want to hurt laptop. Or alarm Mr goat.
• I feel overdramatic and silly from writing this list and now just want to cry again. I don’t and keep on typing.
• I feel slightly mad – what is wrong with me????????
• I want to cry again and just go to bed so I can feel better in the morning.
• I can’t go to bed because I have a 1001 and mummy/wife things to do and it is already almost half nine– I want to stop off and behave like a child. That is not fair. I don’t.

I DO NOT want to do Tae Bo.

Not tonight dear…

I’m sorry – I cant type tonight. Everything just comes out so negatively I cant believe what my head is coming up with. Even I am sick of it and I just dont think I could stand to have it here in black and white to remind me.

Suffice to say I feel like poo and I want to cry. Good time to probably do some Tae Bo but instead I ate half a chocolate cheese cake, family sized bag of Doritos and cholocate buttons dipped in custard.

A traditional Afrikaans saying which applies here is “more is nog ‘n dag”. Tomorrow is another day.

See you then xxx

I lost sight of the goal…

I feel like crap. I’ve neglected my challenge while I’ve had family around and I’ve been feeling really good.

Now everyones gone and  feel like I’m about to cry.  I think I lost sight on why I was doing this…

WTF is wrong with me? Nothing. I can tell you right now that there is nothing in my at the moment that could account for this feeling. I hate post natal depression. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Having more cake, talk later.

Billy didn’t even get to first base…

I had a date booked with Billy. Specifically my bum and tum. And he was there – waiting ever so patiently after I had trekked across London with a pram in rush hour, did yogo with Waybaloo and joined in a very involved and exhausting bath and story time (Lola wasn’t tired and it transpired that E wasn’t either!).

I walked into the room, our eyes met across the lounge. I unzipped my pencil skirt and stepped out of my laddered tights, I slipped my yogurt smeared top over my head and reached behind me to unhook my greying bra… and put on my pj’s and made a peanut butter and jam sandwich. Bliss!

Thats about as good as it got I’m afraid… Tomorrow maybe?

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it…

I have to be honest. I’ve only just this very second sat down to form a plan of action… dun dun duuunnnn. No pressure.

I think to allow each “treatment” the best chance I’ll have to allow 4 weeks for each one. I’m covering 6 rather broad remedies but I will be researching other suggestions and trying them out throughout also. Any suggestions are welcome!
So – my challenge, which I have a suspicion I kind of have to accept now that I’ve gone this far:
Exercise - Mr Billy Blanks has been winking at me from the DVD collection for ages – its about time we got nice and sweaty. Funny that I have a mental image of me svelte, wearing pink lycra and bouncing about rather delicately. The reality is really of me in mismatched, misshapen stretch-cotton sweating like a pig. Probably grunting like one too.
Diet - Sugary tea and chocolate cakes are probably not doing me any good… gotta get my greens up!
Supplements - Apparananananatly B vitamins are crucial for your mental health. You need B6 to process serotoni which gives you happy thoughts, melatonin which will help me to sleep and dopamine which will help my rather frazzled nervous system. The next super-B is B3 which can help fight anxiety, while not enough B5 can cause severe depression. (Bloody hell – get me a drip!) Lack of zinc, iron and and Omega-3 can also hamper your happiness.
Hei-ho,hei-ho its off to the GP I go….la la la-la la la-la, hei-ho hei-ho hei-ho! (Everybody now!)
Hormones - I currently have the Implanon Implant snuggled in my upper left arm which I have to admit is bloody brilliant. I am however concerned that I still have acne in my mid twenties so think that my hormones might be a bit off kilter. I’ve already spoken to my Doc about possible alternative birth control  with the aim of helping my post natal depression and he’s sending me for an ovary scan to rule out Polycystic Ovary Syndrome first. Then we can play!
Sex - Oh dear, Mr Goatface thinks he’s going to be a very lucky man. I don’t think he’s thought about the details of his performance appearing here for 4 weeks. Better not tell him or this particular strategy might go bit limp with the pressure of it all… Oh lord – I’m blushing already, not sure we know each other well enough yet. You I mean, not my husband. I know him very well thank you very much.
Relaxation skills - Cant wait for this one. Four joyous weeks of doing the unthinkable and putting myself first at least once every single day. A hot bath, yoga……. Mmm, that’s all I can think of right now – I might have hit on a reason for the depression. And I don’t even do yoga or have baths! What on earth do people do to relax??????

I had a guinea pig as a child, now I am one…

Life on Sertraline was a good, there were wobble’s of course, life and missing the occasional tablet will ensure that, but overall I was pretty much back to my usual chirpy self again. So when I was weaned off my tabs I did so with a large dollop of confidence – what on earth could go wrong? I was rather cocky about it really…

Whats that saying about pride? It comes before something?

Ah – the fall. It hurt. I was back to putting the good folk of Thames Ditton off there organic muesli with my sobbing and this time round added an almighty helping of guilt. I had failed. I had failed at not being on antidepressants. Oh yes - that’s the thought pattern of a sane and well adjusted mother. Thank The Lord for children’s short term memories!

I decide this time to not call my GP. I did not want to go back on the pills. I did not want to be artificially happy for another year and a half only to fall off the wagon again.

This time I’m beating this. And I’m using good old fashioned research and hard work. Documented here in all its glory for your reading displeasure!

Its rather exciting really. Or maybe I’m just still a bit unbalanced… Oooh, lets find out!